This post has been a while in the making. My last one was about depression. A lot has changed since that post, so much that I struggled to chronicle it. The last few months have slid away and through chaos, sweetness has reemerged. Hope has grown. Joy, against all rational thoughts, has made its way home. I hit the bottom, I really did, but it was necessary I think.
I went to MD Anderson not knowing what to expect. When I left things felt very bleak, the stress of the cancer was taking it's toll both on myself and my relationships. Feeling loss and grief makes a person difficult to be around and amplifies the storm that rages.
Once there, the guru on the mountain failed to provide me the magical cure my heart desired. I was not necessarily surprised. However, it was a chance meeting with the genetics counselor that proved most valuable. After a routine meeting, she didn't rush me out. She stayed. Chatted. Answered questions I was too scared to ask (what would actually kill me? Answer: Infection or liver failure). I was honest with her- I felt death was inevitable. I told her the frustration I felt about having to lie about my feelings to protect my loved ones. I didn't want to be weak. I didn't want to be a burden. Positivity, I had failed at it. I was imploding and in the process, hurting not only myself but still hurting my loved ones.
The week I was in Chicago I told my mother the objective truth. I felt like I had a lottery ticket - the promise of a million dollars clutched tight to my chest but I had to live realistically until the old dude with a giant check actually knocked on my door. She didn't understand how hope and acceptance could beat simultaneously in my heart, but it does. It was all going to be ok- no matter what happened to me. It was going to be ok. I felt tremendous relief. I was done wasting my energy on the worst case scenario.
The gloom seemed to lift. I came home and found a husband that was understanding. The path had been extremely hard on him too but within his own journey, he had found his way back to me and back to a genuine hope.
Since that moment, I haven't thought about it anymore. The fear and anxiety seemed to evaporate from my world. All that stood in the way of living a happy life was the anxiety of what that should look like. Days I had felt sick, I didn't let myself rest because in my head I should be working on some great artistic legacy. I was tired to begin with, and now I was piling on imaginary pressures I couldn't possibly fulfill.
I was taken off chemo completely upon my arrival in Charlotte. I would be starting a clinical trial at home and we had to wait for my system to "wash out".
Slowly, the fatigue lifted. Slowly, I felt like going walking, going to the mall. We unpacked boxes that had hung around. We painted the living room and set-up my bookcases. On Halloween, we went to a little lounge dressed as Batman (me) and Joker (girl joker to be exact, Michael). We danced, staid late, and more than one person came up to my husband to tell them how sexy I was. It felt amazing. This moment I was convinced would never come again, that felt distant, impossible, forever lost...I saw genuine joy in in my husbands eyes as he held me. I felt beautiful, and strong, and able. My heart bursts just writing about it. My depression lied to me and seeing that lie unravel was powerful.
So often in life we get into such a dark place that we lead ourselves to believe all the good things will cease to be. It's simply not true. We allow our fears to cripple us. Fear takes a hammer to one finger. Takes another. Shatters a hand. Smashes an elbow. We feel pain and imagine that our skin will remain black and blue forever. More and more of us is broken - but like in some horror movie with a twist, the hammer was in our other hand the whole time.
Think of your absolute worst fear...realistic fear. Sure, we can all imagine coming home to a serial killer who has hacked our family into tiny pieces and then misfiled our taxes, I don't mean that. I mean, losing your job, divorce, the everyday dark spots of life. Take it out into the light of day and access it. Is this really a possibility? If it is, what can I do to mediate the damage? Who can I count on as a support system? Sometimes having tangible plan for the worst case scenario helps take away some of the power it has. Everyone has had a stomach ache and just thinking about it makes their stomach tighten more, intensifies the pain and discomfort. Relax and let go.
Your anxiety only feeds the monster.
Listen to me well, your fear lies to you. It is a terrible judge of scale and reality. When faced with real problems, its even worst at making the right decisions.
I went to MD Anderson not knowing what to expect. When I left things felt very bleak, the stress of the cancer was taking it's toll both on myself and my relationships. Feeling loss and grief makes a person difficult to be around and amplifies the storm that rages.
Once there, the guru on the mountain failed to provide me the magical cure my heart desired. I was not necessarily surprised. However, it was a chance meeting with the genetics counselor that proved most valuable. After a routine meeting, she didn't rush me out. She stayed. Chatted. Answered questions I was too scared to ask (what would actually kill me? Answer: Infection or liver failure). I was honest with her- I felt death was inevitable. I told her the frustration I felt about having to lie about my feelings to protect my loved ones. I didn't want to be weak. I didn't want to be a burden. Positivity, I had failed at it. I was imploding and in the process, hurting not only myself but still hurting my loved ones.
The week I was in Chicago I told my mother the objective truth. I felt like I had a lottery ticket - the promise of a million dollars clutched tight to my chest but I had to live realistically until the old dude with a giant check actually knocked on my door. She didn't understand how hope and acceptance could beat simultaneously in my heart, but it does. It was all going to be ok- no matter what happened to me. It was going to be ok. I felt tremendous relief. I was done wasting my energy on the worst case scenario.
The gloom seemed to lift. I came home and found a husband that was understanding. The path had been extremely hard on him too but within his own journey, he had found his way back to me and back to a genuine hope.
Since that moment, I haven't thought about it anymore. The fear and anxiety seemed to evaporate from my world. All that stood in the way of living a happy life was the anxiety of what that should look like. Days I had felt sick, I didn't let myself rest because in my head I should be working on some great artistic legacy. I was tired to begin with, and now I was piling on imaginary pressures I couldn't possibly fulfill.
I was taken off chemo completely upon my arrival in Charlotte. I would be starting a clinical trial at home and we had to wait for my system to "wash out".
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| Looking good by the bathroom. |
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| He can certainly pull off a corset. |
Think of your absolute worst fear...realistic fear. Sure, we can all imagine coming home to a serial killer who has hacked our family into tiny pieces and then misfiled our taxes, I don't mean that. I mean, losing your job, divorce, the everyday dark spots of life. Take it out into the light of day and access it. Is this really a possibility? If it is, what can I do to mediate the damage? Who can I count on as a support system? Sometimes having tangible plan for the worst case scenario helps take away some of the power it has. Everyone has had a stomach ache and just thinking about it makes their stomach tighten more, intensifies the pain and discomfort. Relax and let go.
Your anxiety only feeds the monster.
Listen to me well, your fear lies to you. It is a terrible judge of scale and reality. When faced with real problems, its even worst at making the right decisions.
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| Michael and I go to an awesome masquerade ball in Chicago. |
