On Being a Selfish Jerk

Empathy. I have always considered myself to have some level of empathy. Maybe not above and beyond, but the usual level that strikes a balance somewhere between aloof and Mother Teresa. But like all people, I have quick judgements.

"That person should take better care of themselves"
"You really need to get ask the waiter twenty questions, lady?"
"That guy parking in the handicapped spot doesn't look handicapped."
"That bum needs to get a job."

We all have these thoughts. It is human. And when we have them we are making quick assumptions, instead of analyzing all angles. Why? Because they probably doesn't fit our evolutionary needs to consider how X things affects Mary, Joe, Lupe, and Hubert down the street. We are inherently selfish, and consider things predominantly from our vantage point in  the universe (which I remind you, is not a bad thing, it is just our view out of the narrow window we have available). Only through effort, love, and experience do we get a hint of another view- and usually through the vectors of our family, friends, etc. This is how we develop empathy.

Lately, I realize some of my actions may seem bizarre to strangers, since it lacks context to them. Snap judgements could be made about me which do not reflect reality.

I used to work in a restaurant. People who made twenty substitutions on their dish, asked 50 questions about what was in it, I saw them as picky and petty. And I wasn't alone in this view. But, I go to the restaurant now and ask twenty questions. I can't eat raw fruits or vegetables, and it usually causes confusion because that's not a recognized standard dietary restriction. "It has cilantro, are you allergic to cilantro?" It seems easy to answer "Yes" but then they wont tell me that maybe the sauce has uncooked items in it too. I substitute the side salad, the thing on the side, please don't add this...I have even had the manager come out to clarify my requests.

When I went to the supermarket and rode around on the motorized cart, I was afraid they management would tell me to stop fucking around on it, that people need it. And some days I can walk twice around the mall, and the next week our parking spot in front of the house can feel like a hundred miles. Would I be seen as faking it because my disability is not constant? "I saw her walking around, she's fine."

I used to sit by old people on the train that smelled strongly like pee. I was disgusted. And now, I have a colostomy bag I can't always control. Someone might sit next to me on the wrong day, and maybe I'll smell terrible. And I will know it, feel anxious to get home, feel embarrassed. I feel bad for that person now, I realize they probably have no more control over their bladder than I over my bag.

I abruptly change seats in public when people cough. I don't "look sick", so what must they think?

There is a picture making the rounds of these oranges at Whole Foods. You see it and wonder "what kind of lazy asshole would buy that?"

Its easy to dismiss it, but I have read blogs by people with disabilities who appreciate a peeled orange. They can't enjoy an orange otherwise. And now that I rely on my husband to put on my earrings or open a container because I physically can't, I totally understand. Hell, peel everything in the world.

I can go on. But the point is, I cant walk around with a shirt that says "CANCER!" any more than others can when dealing with mental illness, abuse, other disabilities, etc. Instead, I rely on strangers to consider that I am not a picky, weird, lazy asshole, but that there might be legitimate reasons for my actions. And that makes me wonder about the people of the world I have judged through quick assumptions...who also relied on me.

I can't, from my tiny window in the universe, see the whole story. But I know now beyond a shadow of a doubt, that what I see is an incomplete truth with invisible strings that reach far beyond my knowing. And strangely enough, that might be the most important bit of knowledge there is.